Tough Talk Topics

Mr. Grapefruit and I love to talk about our dream kitchen, what jokes we'll play on our kids, all the rescue animals we'll bring into our home, what kind of garden of delights we'll grow...- fun fuzzy schmuzzy schtuff that couples talk about. But after watching a few couples (old, new, close, far) run into problems, broken marriages, and misunderstandings reality forces its rear end into my thoughts about the future. I don't think there is a perfect running checklist of questions that you can ask and find out about a person before you can say for sure "he is the one" - but I DO think that there are some ideas and "reality checks" that you owe yourself before making the commitment of a lifetime - at least that is how marriage works in my world. For example, my mother works with special needs children at the middle school in our town and she tells us wonderful stories about the progress her kids are making. Despite what a treasure her students are she can't help but feel and think about the unique struggles the parents of these kids face on a daily basis. Some of these children can not be left unsupervised, while others will never make it past a certain learning curve. It must be hard - it has to be.

Recently, I went to see my gyn for a well visit and to discuss family planning. Later that day my FI and I revisited the "When do you think we should have kids" talk. All along we have agreed and compromised on many points but today I introduced tough talk topic "the big A word." I told him that if we plan to have children in our mid to late thirties we face a higher risk of miscarriages and congenital diseases...

Me: So if we knew in advance that our child would suffer XYZ with an iffy percentage of survival. What would you do?

FI: I would find all the resources related to XYZ and read about it and know as much as I can to prepare for the baby's arrival.

Me: silence

Our discussion continued further into realms of philos0phy, science, ethics, and religion as it related to the big "A", pro choice, and the idea of quality of life. We have not come to a clear stance and we possibly may not but the point is we breached this topic and we are open with one another to explore more tough talk topics. As I mentioned, I have witnessed many couples go through misunderstandings great and small, some survive them while others do not. Twenty twenty hindsight reveals "I wish I had known or thought to discuss this with him/her sooner before we got married." This is indeed a normal and inevitable part of relationships but sometimes we need to put the ribbons, roses, and rings aside for a sampling of reality and honest reasoning.

What was the most difficult topic you have discussed with your FI regarding your future life together and how do you feel about outcome?