Chronicle of an Asian American Wedding Foretold

This Might Actually Happen

2008-02-01T16:35:00.000-08:00

Mr. Grapefruit and I have been dealing with the harsh reality that you can't please everyone on the guest list and we've nearly died trying to accomodate. His sister is a very picky plain eater and some of our guests are not what we call 'culinarily adventurous.' We are not talking about escargot, truffles, or birds nest soup - we are talking about just having Chinese, Greek, or even Indian food may scare some people on the guest list! So since our PM grand reception will be taking place at the Harvest Moon we'll be dining on 12 "chinese wedding courses" which is seafood heavy and "ethnic" according to the tame palate. We decided that the AM lunch reception following the Asian tea and American ceremonies will need to be very American. The whole process of trying to find a ceremony site plus catering/meal options has exhausted and frustrated our nightly phone calls to one another - Mr. Grapefruit has lost sleep over this and my studying has suffred a drastic interruption in the process. Mr. Grapefruit said one evening, "Basically, when you are looking at something that has the modifier 'wedding' in it it means it will cost you an arm and leg plus some extra twisting." Despite telling potential vendors how brief and informal our luncheon will be and the fact that we are playing for a ver elaborate PM reception they still seem to think that asking for a $6K minimum food and bevearge cost in addition to space rental is nothing to bat a lash at. Now I understand that most American weddings the ceremony and reception are usually in one place and so the "MEAL" since you only get one will have to be about $$$ per head. We are doing TWO meals and we simply don't want two extravagant receptions! So after MUCH debate and anxiety we thought - why not do this in my backyard? The tea ceremony has to be done at home in the AM anyways, lets just tell the rest of the guests to show up "after" the tea ceremony and we'll have the American walk down the aisle ceremony in my backyard? We have a HUGE backyard and dad is a landscaper by hobby. It did not take long before we realized THIS was the perfect solution. We could rent the chairs and tent, buy the food we really want to have, I can FINALLY have some say/vision about how to decorate the place without having to worry about it being in another location, I will actually have the chance to add creative touches to the wedding. huge sigh of relief. For once, I realized this wedding might actually happen after so many months of dealing with obstacles.

Did you have a sigh of relief moment(s) in any of your planning?

I am a Witty DIM

2008-01-31T17:02:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking lately that half the hassle I face with planning my wedding is that I can't play hostess and DO IT ALL. With my culinary, bartending, and paper prowess I have thrown wonderful dinner parties and this wedding is just another party - but alas I forget that I am one of the major components of it and I will NOT be able to play hostess! I dream of all the food i want to prepare, the endless signature cocktails that I can shake, and the amazing decorating I can fashion from paper products! Sigh. I have to make do with the things that I can do ahead for the wedding and look forward to enjoying the day as a bride not a hostess.
After reading about do-it-yourself (DIY) projects I realized this term should really be do-it-MYSELF (DIM)! As in, "$4K for a wedding planner?! Screw that I am going to DIM!" So here is the list of things that are on my DIM list:
1. my bouquet
2. boutenieres/corsages
3. all floral centerpieces and alter pieces
4. pomanders
5. slideshow
6. programs
7. signature luncheon cocktail
8. thank you photo cards
9. guest favors - those felt fortune cookies look neat!
10. if i don't pass out from #1-9, a runner

What is on your DIM list?

Stealing Thunder

2008-01-27T18:44:00.000-08:00

My FI once told me, "I don't know what it is but girls grow up and dream about their wedding day being the most magical day of their life." Many years ago FI used to live in a large house with two other couples. Couple A got engaged late winter and began making plans for their wedding. Shortly after that in early Spring Couple B gets engaged. Mr. B (not to be confused with Mr. BEE) was having a nice dinner with Miss B and he "felt romantic" so he popped the question right there without a ring. Obviously Miss B was delighted and began scouring wedding magazines and racking up the cell phone bill. One day over the phone FI tells me that he feels Miss A is not too happy about Miss B's engagement because it is "stealing her thunder" in the same way that Rachel stole Monica's engagement thunder on the hit show Friends. I thougth two things 1. what the hell, this thunder business makes no sense and it would not happen to me 2. my bf is really sensitive about women's feelings!

Fast forward to our present day I am eating my words about not having someone steal my thunder. *wipes away tear* This past year I lost a friendship over this very idea of stealing thunder. Miss V and I were close friends and she knew that Mr. Grapefruit and I were getting ready to wed with the parental proposal (see engagement blog entry) due in May 2007. Over the 2006 winter holiday she and an old flame hooked up and started to see each other more. Our conversations started to naturally revolve around this re-newed love interest. It very quickly started to center on how much he was making, the incredible house he was building, the salary bonuses he was going to get, the huge diamond she wanted as an engagement ring and on and on. I started to feel really sorry for myself and insecure about where my finances would come from for my wedding knowing that Mr. Grapefruit and I are students with loans and virtually no finances/savings. I decided that I would avoid her for a week to let her finish talking about this to everyone she knew, and eventually she would lose steam/interest as I was not raised to speak about money this way and I thought it was rather tacky and low class. I eventually had a heart to heart talk to her about it and said it makes me feel bad about my own situation when she goes off about how "set" everything could be for her life if all she said was "yes" to this man. She gave me comfort and said she would not be getting married soon and it really "wasn't so set and perfect." I thought she understood but things did not change.

One day in early Spring as I was studying with another friend, he announced to me that she was getting engaged soon. This is after three months of "reuniting" with her old flame. I cried and called my mother. She gave me some Zen advice and told me to get over it and not feel sorry for myself. I told her I felt like Miss V did not care about my feelings and did not even take what I said very seriously. After Easter weekend Miss V came back to school with a ginormous engagement ring on her hand. She said nothing to me and we have not talked ever since.

I have pored my heart, my tears, and my thoughts into what happened. I have criticized my self and self reflected on where I went wrong and if I could get over it. I don't claim wedding days or years but it eventually boiled down to respect. If she cared and respected my feelings she would have said something to me and then went ahead and gone on with her plans and that I would have accepted. We would still be friends because I am understanding and compromising. But I feel that she did neither of these things after fully hearing what I had to say that day. I don't know if she did get married, or where things are now in her life. I've left some things out of this story about her because I wanted to tell a discrete story and not bad mouth her. Since we have not spoken for about a year now I think it may be past me as I have my own wedding to plan but a part of me wonders if I could/should have done/felt things differently.

Bridesmaid Blues

2008-01-23T10:17:00.000-08:00

Bridesmaids are called "phu dau" in my country which translates to "help bride." The more I read about bridesmaids in America the more I am saddened and removed because I grew up viewing and treating them differently. First of all, there are some rules/guidelines that go into selecting your BMs:

1. she has to be single - emphasis on NOT married
2. this can not be the 4th wedding she is in

Notice that no where it says she has to be your best friend, or even a close friend. So basically any available and willing young girl will do.

Here are the considerations that the bride is obligated to do for her BMs:

1. she has to buy all the dresses (sometimes even all the accessories). This usually means TWO per girl as there is a morning ceremony dress and the evening reception dress.
2. she has to know and understand that asking these ladies to be her BMs is a HUGE inconvenience to them as they must follow her everywhere on the wedding day and help her.

So growing up with this understanding I never thought that I would have a "tough decision" to make when I needed to go find my BMs. I said find, not select. In many ways, this task became a process of elimination and I must admit there was no sappy emotional feeling that went into it. I ended up choosing a friend from medical school and months later asked my brother's gf to be my second BMs. They are both Vietnamese and I think that was an important part because the wedding is traditional. I never had to choose a gaggle of girls and fuss over which ones would "be part of the coveted wedding party." But after reading and researching wedding blogs I realized how special BMs are to the bride, what they signify and what brides agonize over concerning their selection. In some ways, because I am Asian American, I feel like my BMs do not have that much meaning in my wedding. Moreover, my FI has resorted to taking my brother and close male friend as his groomsmen because all his close male friends have sig others and we do not want these guys to leave them all alone at our wedding. So there you have it our wedding party of four will be people we respect and like but they are hardly people that we've had the most memories and bonds with.
Now I also read about the drama that goes into these I like to call "BMs Behaving Badly" and I am glad that I only have two who have caused no trouble for me. But after careful thought about the differences between our two cultures I wonder where the bad behavior stems from? I will post another entry on "BMs Behaving Badly" another time.

Do you think that the roles of BMs and brides are not clear sometimes and this leads to wedding blues? How have you disaster/drama controlled your wedding planning?

V - Day Swap

2008-01-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I stole a couple hours of me time to make my DIY V-day cards for the card exchange! It was delicious therapeutic hours of grommetting, trimming, gluing, bradding, and stenciling. Excuse me I need a moment to gather myself as I relived those hours in my mind. =) I love crafting and seriously, who out there is actually sane that doesn't craft to some degree?! Anyways, you know you love your labor when you show it off to everyone in your house and then think - I must keep this, I can't give this away, what if I can't re-create this masterpiece again when I am old and memory loss sets in?! Just kidding, still sane. =) So here I am giving you a sneek peek into the cards that I created - if you are reading this and you end up getting it in the mail I am sooooooo sorry to ruin the surprise!

So when I went to my lab to create these darlings I wanted to veer away from the reds and pinks if at all possible without running into odd color territory. I chose purple as my first inspiration color and as I gathered all the neat backdrop papers together I remembered a post about the LOVE stamps - yeah I am ADD remember so who knows why purple sent me into LOVE stamps recall. But here is my final product:

My second card is inspired by none other than the charity group that most women feel a sense of duty to: Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I had to use the pink in this case but I thought that I would make it a little more creative by using different shades of pink secured by matching heart brads. So cute and so Andy Warhol don't you think?

My last creation is a piece of my Eastern roots. It is very elegant and simple in its design, very different from the other cards but I think it is quite beautiful. I have to say that I was very pleased with the way the blue and brown turned out against the light pink background.

I hope you like my V-day card interpretations that I will be swapping out very shortly to these wonderful readers. Which of the three is your favorite?

PS: All you closet paper lovers out there - join us! It's good times I promise!!

Tough Talk Topics

2008-01-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

Mr. Grapefruit and I love to talk about our dream kitchen, what jokes we'll play on our kids, all the rescue animals we'll bring into our home, what kind of garden of delights we'll grow...- fun fuzzy schmuzzy schtuff that couples talk about. But after watching a few couples (old, new, close, far) run into problems, broken marriages, and misunderstandings reality forces its rear end into my thoughts about the future. I don't think there is a perfect running checklist of questions that you can ask and find out about a person before you can say for sure "he is the one" - but I DO think that there are some ideas and "reality checks" that you owe yourself before making the commitment of a lifetime - at least that is how marriage works in my world. For example, my mother works with special needs children at the middle school in our town and she tells us wonderful stories about the progress her kids are making. Despite what a treasure her students are she can't help but feel and think about the unique struggles the parents of these kids face on a daily basis. Some of these children can not be left unsupervised, while others will never make it past a certain learning curve. It must be hard - it has to be.

Recently, I went to see my gyn for a well visit and to discuss family planning. Later that day my FI and I revisited the "When do you think we should have kids" talk. All along we have agreed and compromised on many points but today I introduced tough talk topic "the big A word." I told him that if we plan to have children in our mid to late thirties we face a higher risk of miscarriages and congenital diseases...

Me: So if we knew in advance that our child would suffer XYZ with an iffy percentage of survival. What would you do?

FI: I would find all the resources related to XYZ and read about it and know as much as I can to prepare for the baby's arrival.

Me: silence

Our discussion continued further into realms of philos0phy, science, ethics, and religion as it related to the big "A", pro choice, and the idea of quality of life. We have not come to a clear stance and we possibly may not but the point is we breached this topic and we are open with one another to explore more tough talk topics. As I mentioned, I have witnessed many couples go through misunderstandings great and small, some survive them while others do not. Twenty twenty hindsight reveals "I wish I had known or thought to discuss this with him/her sooner before we got married." This is indeed a normal and inevitable part of relationships but sometimes we need to put the ribbons, roses, and rings aside for a sampling of reality and honest reasoning.

What was the most difficult topic you have discussed with your FI regarding your future life together and how do you feel about outcome?

A Rose By Any Other Name Would “Bee” As Sweet

2008-01-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

I am not doing it. Uh Uh. Nope not going to happen. It just would not be right. *sniffle* Mrs. Bee may have dived into it and said it will be alright but no, my foot is firm. *blows nose*

Over ten years ago I legally changed my lovely Vietnamese birth name to an American equally “lovely” name. I was tired of the taunts, the made up songs, the mispronunciations, and the endless jokes. I even recall that once in middle school, an asian teacher told the class, “If you have an ethnic name you really should change it to an American one so that it would be easier for everyone to call you.” As I sat there I thought this lady is whack and she is not going to make moi change anything! Then I changed high schools and it was just too convenient and tempting to “start a new leaf” and lose the name that had given me so much torture. I never looked back but I have THOUGHT back and forth what I have done and now that I am getting ready to get married I just can’t do it. I just can’t tag on my FI's last name. There I said it! I willingly gave up my birth name, a name that my late dear grandfather gave to me which means “essence of beauty” to legally adopt my American name which also means beautiful in Spanish (no I am not vain at all, really!). If I take his last name I will have “NO IDENTITY.” Gasp!!! What does FI think about this? He says he prefers that I take his last name but he understands this identity crisis. I love him. I love his name. I love that American women take their maiden names as middle names and adopt new last names. I cry a little inside when I see all my gfs names change once they are married but I am really torn about this decision. My maiden name would be hidden between two names if I take the plunge into marriage name changing land! *sniffle* My FI still thinks I am just as sweet and I think that is what I will hold onto...

So ladies, if you are keeping your names please share your experiences with us!

Boogery Sugar

2008-01-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

** This entry was inspired by Miss Lovebug's blog on ugly wedding cakes. =)

My FI thinks that fondant is pretty much boogery sugar. In one of the recent weddings that I attended the cake was indeed beautifully decorated and covered in fondant. The bride mentioned, "They have to wheel the cake inside the kitchen 'cause cutting it and removing the covering is a nasty ugly process." Despite this, the cake was deeeeee-lish! I am also an avid watcher of FoodNetwork and when the cake challenges come on most chefs choose to work with fondant because you can do more artistically with them - but does anyone really eat fondant? I have to venture and say no, the judges certainly don't. Now you may know the famous bakery and star chef in MD whose cakes are crazy, wacky, and out of this world - sometimes I think there is more fondant than actual cake seeing that there is so much metal and construction that goes into making these "cake sculptures."

So back to boogery sugar - we are not doing it. My mother's close friend said that she would gift us with a wedding cake and this pastry chef is not a part of the culinary school of boogers! We are going to get a beautiful amazing cake with rich creamy melt in your mouth add some healthy pounds to your thighs cake! Screw the fondant - give me the real stuff that I can smash into my FI's face and lick off my fingers! I can't wait to go pick it out - stay tuned for pictures!

What are some of your favorite wedding cake flavor/design likes and dislikes?

I Love You I Hate You

2008-01-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

When you begin any sort of project you need research on your side, after all "chance favors the prepared mind." My project for the next couple of months is of course the wedding and now that it is creeping up on me (May!) I am on the internet constantly - and I am totally cracked out and A-D-D!! =) I love reading the blogs on weddingbee.com and other wedding related sites but let me tell you it is definitely a love hate relationship! I love the moments when you feel that you are not alone in the struggles you are facing with planning "the day" but I also get really frustrated when certain brides go overboard and freak out about BMs, dresses, letterpress, etc. Give me a break! I guess we are all different and the things that concern me may never concern another bride and the things that concern them I never even realized were issues. For example, the newest (maybe it is centuries old who knows) heated debate is over having a wedding party and how stressful or how magical fuzzy feeling it is. My latest gasp moment was hearing that a classmate had 13 BMs!! "Well, I had honarary BMs in addition to my core ones." So how is that not ranking your girlfriends? Is that not being a little vain? And what about BMs who are "just not into you and your wedding?" On one hand the bride thinks "it is MY day hell or high water!" and on the other hand the BM may think "she has gone bridezilla and I hate this dress! I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darnit people LOVE me! I deserve a special dress that sets me apart from the other BMs!" Gasp. Wasn't it tradition in Western countries that BMs 1. helped the bride 2. chased away the evil spirits 3. acted as her maids? So when did BMs go awry? Every time I read more about the things that "we" (cause i love you brides out there in your sanity and insanity) struggle with I have to step back and ask where did we miss the point? Are we or are we not getting married and starting a wonderful new life with someone we love, adore, cherish? Bridezillas and BMzillas beware, as in all traditional fairytales and modern comic book stories, good prevails over the monsters.

PreNupt - The Answer not the Question

2008-01-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

Prenuptial agreements get such a bad rep and before you predict and judge where this post is going lend me your ears gentleladies and men... Ahem... My cousin in France got married in 2001 and she told me she and her dear fiance drafted a prenupt. Okay, the French are known for wine, cheese, things romantic but a prenupt? So I kindly and gently inquired about her reasoning to do this. She said that in her line of work as a physician she is at risk for getting sued and even though her fiance, who is a telecommunications consultant, is at a relatively lower risk for being sued she feels that they as a happily married couple should protect themselves from the people that may take "everything away from us." Wow. That is sheer genious! She further went on to say that in their prenupt they agreed that "what is hers is hers and what is his is his" that way when or if someone DOES sue her they can ONLY TAKE AWAY HER FINANCES and NOT HIS! This way, his finances are safe and the family is safe. The kids can still go to college, they can keep the house, the dog, etc. So really this new idea of a prenupt is to protect the couple not from themselves but from the people that may threaten to take their financial stability away from them! I am totally going to do this and Jonathan has agreed! His line of work is pretty safe from people suing him but when I graduate medical school there may not be a malpractice cap where I work to protect me and my family. Mr. Grapefruit and I have been long distance for 6 years now and we are committed to each other and that is why we are getting married. Having a prenupt does not disrupt that trust; this act is our smart decision to watch out for the future of our lives and our family.

Old Town Fun and Frolick

2008-01-08T20:50:00.001-08:00

This past Sunday Mr. Grapefruit and I went to Old Town Alexandria and had our engagement photo shoot with Grace and Loun Loun who call themselves "Girls with Big Cameras" =) http://www.withbigcameras.com/ They offered us a complimentary 2 hour photo session as they are trying to build their portfolio while maintaining full time jobs! The interesting part of all this is they all went to my undergraduate school but we never met! Jonathan and I are not portrait people and we are very goofy playful people. The only thing that we took seriously was what we thought we "should" wear for the pictures to come out relatively nice. I chose to wear red - coat, shoes, and sweater. Mr. grapefruit wore a cream sweater and a brand new dark gray long coat that I gave him for Christmas. The photographers LOVED the color scheme and now that I have some preliminary photos from the shoot I am really glad that it turned out so wonderful! The red really helped highlight and contrast us from the winter background - how can anyone not like red?! The rest of the day was amazingly fun as we jumped, skipped, kissed, and laughed through out the streets of Old Town. The girls were very patient and open about ideas, angles, and emotions that they felt could be captured. My advice for anyone thinking of doing e-pics is
1. Find a color that you like and wear it - preferably bright like green, red, yellow, etc.

2. Do not wear the same color as your fiance as the shots will look blended

3. Location can matter if you feel that your emotions or comfort level will benefit if your are in that area. Location will not matter if you are comfortable anywhere because most of the shots are close ups celebrating you both not what is in the background.

4. If you are into poses, print some examples out and bring them to the shoot to help your photographers make the most of the session

5. Personal items should be brought if they are meaningful: pets, handkerchief you made for him, earrings he bought for you, etc

6. Be well rested and not have a time constraint so you can enjoy the candid moments with each other

I can't wait to get the CD of the proofs so I can make them into a guestbook for the wedding just like I saw Mrs. Bell Pepper do for hers!

Did you get engagement photos done and what were the things you liked and regretted about the shoot?

A Wedding of Two Cultures

2007-12-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

Planning a wedding of two cultures can be interesting, challenging, and exciting. Mr. Grapefruit has only attended one Asian wedding and I have been to a couple of American weddings - neither of us has the capacity to think of all the details that go into such a monumental life event. Before I knew I was getting married I already accepted the fact that 2/3 of my guest list would be Asian people that I hardly know but people who highly respect my parents. The other 1/3 would be Mr. Grapefruit's family and our close friends. So the first item up for debate was wedding invitations. Mr. Grapefruit thinks having a different culture to follow makes the feel of our wedding much more special. We looked at some samples in the Asian town center in the city but the prices were at a premium - we of course went to the internet and found possibly the best asian invitation website/service ever:
http://ap-printing.com/

They had the largest assortment of asian wedding invitations and they even send you samples of the ones you like! The photo you see is what we have decided so far. I think that the American guests are going to find it unique - what is more the inside will be in two languages which Mr. Grapefruit feels is important to showcase that Vietnamese uses a letter alphabet not symbols. The sample was sent to my mother and she loves the design! Now all we have to do is figure out the wording because his parents are divorced and mom remarried...hmm.

Is anyone having trouble with tricky wording on their invitations? What unique ways did you work around them?

How I Am Getting Engaged Three Times

2007-11-30T03:35:00.000-08:00

When people ask me where my ring is and if I am engaged yet I simply tell them, "I come from a culture where we do things differently ."

In order to follow tradition and my family's religious practices (Confucianism and Buddhism) Jonathan's parents must speak to my parents and ask for my hand in marriage. Confucianist teachings state that the father is greater than the son and the mother is greater than the daughter etc. Jonathan can not ask my parents directly for a marriage proposal because he would be crossing and violating the family hierarchy/echelon. He must speak "through" his parents as his parents are considered at the same "level" as my parents.

In the old country the meeting of families is to discuss the dates of the engagement ceremony (more on that later) and the actual wedding. It is also the time to discuss the dowry - but wait, it is the GROOM's DOWRY not the bride’s that is discussed. If one wishes to take away the daughter of a family one must show/prove that one is capable of taking care of her. When Jonathan explained this little detail to his friends they made him a T-shirt that said "Buying A Wife" =)
Now since Jonathan is American he has expressed to me his desire to propose the "traditional way" since it is one of few traditions that he wishes to preserve without compromising any of my family's customs. He can only do this AFTER the parents have “the wedding proposal talk.” Luckily, this talk took place last May and so now he needs to pop the question before the day we actually get married. I guess when he does that will be considered my "2nd engagement."

There is a catch - I will not be wearing my engagement ring until the actual engagement ceremony takes place - which is when I officially receive my engagement ring. Some Asian Americans ignore this tradition and that is a personal choice but for me my mother advised me to put the ring away until the ceremony.Another custom that we practice is having an engagement ceremony prior to the wedding day. Engagement ceremonies are more for the family and close friends. They are set a few months before the wedding date but there is no limit to time except that long engagements bring bad luck for the couple (no more than one year b/t the dates). Since our families live in different states travel is difficult and Jonathan and I decided to have our engagement ceremony one week apart.At this ceremony the engagement ring is given as well as an assortment of gifts such as tea, cakes, fruit, sweet rice, wine, etc. He and I will bow to my ancestors at the altar and ask our families to accept us as their own children and to accept each other as in laws. This ceremony technically marks my "3rd engagement."